“It was strange knowing exactly when my baby was going to be born”

I found out I was pregnant…

after feeling ‘strange’ all day at work, and both suspecting and hoping I was pregnant. It was August 2021 and earlier that year I had suffered a missed miscarriage when I was six weeks pregnant. I was desperate to be pregnant again, I knew it was what would help me heal me from that loss. After work, I picked up a pregnancy test at Boots and did it as soon as I got home. When I saw it was positive, I felt both deeply happy but also nervous, because I knew from experience that there are no certainties in early pregnancy. When I’d first found out I was pregnant I’d been absolutely ecstatic and couldn’t wait to tell people, it simply never crossed my mind that I would lose that baby. So, the second time around, my emotions were more muted, but I hoped more than anything this one would stay with me.

The first person I told was…

my fiance Tim. After I took the test, he arrived home from work. I said nothing, wanting to surprise him. I cooked us a meal and before I served it, told him I had a ‘starter’ and then presented him with a plate, with the positive pregnancy test on it. He was so happy, it was such a lovely moment, but like me, he was pragmatic enough to know that now we just had to wait and hope that this time the pregnancy progressed.

I announced the pregnancy by…

I had an early scan around the six week mark, and after that shared my news with close family. Then, at seven weeks, I had a small bleed, which was terrifying as I was sure I was losing the baby. I told my boss because I needed to leave work to go for another scan, and thankfully everything was ok, so she knew too. After that, I waited until the three month mark to quietly tell some close friends, but other than that I said nothing until I started to show at around twenty weeks. It took me a long time to believe things were going to be ok this time, which made me more reserved about sharing our news than I might have been otherwise.

I felt like…

In the early months, I worried I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the pregnancy because I’d be too anxious, however as each week passed and I began to feel the baby, I shook off the fear and simply felt so excited. Feeling the baby kick inside me was just incredible, I’d always wondered what it would be like and to know a new life was growing inside me, it was magical.

My weirdest craving was…

ice cold grapes and freezing cold milk on my cereal. I also lost my sweet tooth and just wanted salty snacks like crisps.

The best thing about being pregnant was…

Imagining what she was going to look like, and the sense of anticipation about watching her grow and develop. We found out at the twenty week scan we were having a baby girl, and I just couldn’t wait to meet her and get to know her. Who would she look like, what would her personality be like, what toys would she love - I loved pondering all these things, knowing we would soon find out.

The worst thing about being pregnant was…

The sickness and nausea, which I suffered from throughout, along with really bad acid reflux. I lost weight between the second and third trimesters because I had little appetite and would have to sleep upright in bed, because the reflux was so bad. 

My plans for the birth were…

I have a mild heart condition so was advised to have an elective c-section at 39 weeks and I was happy to take that advice. It was strange knowing exactly what day my baby was going to be born on, there was none of the uncertainty that other mums to be experience. The night before, I barely slept a wink knowing that the next day, I was going to be a mum.

How the birth went was….

After Stella was delivered, she wasn’t breathing, so instead of her being placed straight onto my chest for skin to skin, she was whisked away to the other side of the theatre and surrounded by a team of medics with alarms going off. I was shaking and crying, it was so frightening, and Tim was trying to be strong for me but I could tell he was scared too. After a few  moments on oxygen, she was ok and breathing on her own, but they were the longest minutes of my life. 

The first thing I thought when I met my baby was… 

how beautiful she was and how relieved I was she was ok. I didn’t feel that instant, overwhelming surge of love and joy some mums talk about, and I think more women need to feel they can be honest about that. That came later, once I felt more recovered from the delivery. I felt very content and at peace that she was in my arms.

We chose the name because…

We wanted a unique name that would suit both a little girl and a grown woman, and we both loved Stella. It was one of three names on our list but as soon as I saw her, I knew we had made the right decision.

My essential newborn item was…

The Tommee Tippee Perfect Prep Machine. It has been a lifesaver for making bottles quickly for a hungry baby!

The thing I hardly used was…

Pram sheets. When we bought our pram, the salesperson in the shop convinced me we needed sheets for it, and I don’t think we’ve ever used them!

The best advice I was given was…

This will pass. It’s all a phase - the hard parts, the good parts - and you are always moving forward when it comes to caring for a baby. It’s a mantra that I have found very helpful.

The worst advice I was given was…

Have another baby quickly so there is a small age gap. We would love a second child one day but I want to enjoy Stella on her own first, and allow my body time to recover from pregnancy and birth.

As told to Eimear O’Hagan.